Welch's Sparkling Pina Colada

I know that Pina Coladas are a summer thing, but you know this is a time where you need a little fruit and booze. I mean, look at that. It just screams "feel better, drink this". 

Sadly, this contains no booze and you need to add your own. No worries, I have plenty.  

Gas Monkey Energy Drink Tropical

Gas Monkey Energy Drink Tropical is a step up from normal Gas Monkey Energy as it does not have the odd aftertaste of the original flavor.  Will it keep you up? Not like a monster, but it is more natural, and will help keep you going.

If I had my pick of the two drinks I would have this one because of the better flavor. I will need to point out that the um 'monkey' on the label is so dang ugly that I wouldn't want it at my party. Then again, you'll be drunk at that party and that monkey may not look to bad. 

Nestle Coffee-Mate Butter Toffee

Nestle Coffee-Mate Butter Toffee is something you think of to get that Irish Coffee to go down your gut just before you get ready for the last party of the year before you diet for two weeks. 

This stuff is okay but you need too much of it to get the coffee to butter toffee it self. I mean, not bad, not great, just in the middle. 

Galaxy Burger Grilled Ham & Cheese

Christmas left you drained but bloated and you just can't get off your massive tail section to cook... why am I talking to myself?

Anyway, the Galaxy Burger Grilled Ham & Cheese is a fine sandwich for those of us dealing with the cold. I live in California so it's not really cold, but I've got my dark shorts on. 

Less filling than a number of other things on the menu this hot sandwich will get you ready for a nap in no time with it's gooey cheese and crisp fried bread. Good stuff. 

Gas Monkey Energy Drink

I was at the discount store again and I was looking for something to get me up on some of those long nights in the cold. Then I saw Gas Monkey and said "That looks like crap, I need to try some!" This all natural concoction tastes like over ripe banana smells, but does a fair job of keeping you up for the price. 

I have to say that trying this was way more fun than it should have been. Just say it for a second "Gas Monkey". Sounds likes something you would say when you jump in the pool.  

In any case, if your New Years needs a jump before you start on those resolutions get yourself a Gas Monkey and Vodka and keep the party going, but drink responsibly, and never drink and drive.  

Nestle Crunch Jingles

Nestle Crunch Jingles are a candy likely to be going on sale today, because it's after the big fat dude's day. This is the time to get your candy on and no one really likes Crunch all that much. I mean, it's a fine candy, right, but there is so much better in this world that you only really get these on a day when they are less expensive. 

The chocolate always goes first so don't wait for them to get too cheep. 

Gluten Free Mi-Del Snowman Sugar Cookies

Gluten Free Mi-Del Snowman Sugar Cookies are the kind of thing a failed hippy tries to get you to eat on Christmas. The odd thing is that these cookies aren't that bad. I mean, they are hard, dense, and difficult to open, but some how satisfying.

I liked these so much I got more of them after the first lot and I almost never do that with cookies.  Addictive little monsters.

Reese's Peanut Butter Trees

Reese's Peanut Butter Trees are some how even better than Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I don't know or understand how but they are. I am reviewing these almost a full year ahead of time because these aren't going to last. I can't stop eating them! 

Subway Dark Chocolate Cherry Cookie

Subway Dark Chocolate Cherry Cookie is one of those cookies that things great things of itself. I mean, look at that smug expression. Look, at two hundred or more calories these cookies aren't really worth it and where as this one is good it's bad for you. Eat in moderation.

Ghirardelli Limited Edition Pepermint Bark

Ghirardelli Limited Edition Peppermint Bark is a seasonal chocolate because no one in their right mind would get it over normal Ghirardelli. Think about it for a second. Ghiraredelli white plus candy cane bits! It's like, no, I don't want coco butter. I want your cheap Christmas reject candy that no one would buy the rest of the year. 

The only good thing about this is that it will still be around the for sale rack after the holiday. Buy it then if you want it. 

Subway Sandwiches Ultimate Steak Sandwich

Subway Sandwiches Ultimate Steak Sandwich is a hot sandwich that will give you garlic breath for days. Is it good, yes, totally worth it as long as it doesn't ward off the love of your life, but that garlic is no joke. 

I would get this again if it were not for the fact that I need to try new things every day. 

Gratify Gluten Free White Chocolate & Peppermint Covered Twists

Gratify Gluten Free White Chocolate & Peppermint Covered Twists are a pretzel beneath normal pretzels. The whole point of the chocolate pretzel is to give chocolate that salty crunch that makes pretzels so great. These have little if any crunch and not enough salt to fill in the flavor.

If you can't have gluten maybe these are a good idea, but they put my taste buds to sleep.  

Subway Sandwiches Ultimate Spicy Italian Sandwich

Subway has its Ultimate sandwich line of which the Spicy Italian is one. These are sandwiches made with a cheesy garlic bread that needs its own time in the oven to make before adding heated meat and serving. 

Now the Spicy Italian is totally kickin' when it's in your mouth but gets everywhere when it's in your hand. I mean, oily thing this sandwich.  

If you want to have one of these for lunch then bad idea because you'll look like a slob at work. Have one for dinner, and then go home and change...then wash those clothes before the stains won't come out. 

Balshen Cranberry Gingerbread Sticks

Balshen Cranberry Gingerbread Sticks are bitter and soft. These are the kind of things you eat when drinking very dry red wine. They are flavorless save for the bitter of the cranberry and the ginger is lost. 

You have to be a certain kind of person to like these, and I'm not that kind of person.  If you like red wine thick as ketchup then buy these. If that's not you bag these are not your bag.

Limited Edition Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate Peppermint Bark

Limited Edition Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate Peppermint Bark is the proper mix of dark and light with a peppermint crunch. I have to admit it went very well with my coffee. 

The only real issue I have with this find chocolate is that it is clearly not bark. Bark would imply a haphazard look where as this is clearly a chocolate bar from a mold.  

Then again, who looks at bark and says "I want to eat that"?

Southern Home Original Non-Dairy Coffee Creamer

Southern Home Original Non-Dairy Coffee Creamer is, well, coffee creamer. Stuff gets put in coffee and doesn't give you the runs. I guess that makes it a good thing, but I never got the runs from milk. 

Stuff does it's job and I guess that's all one can ask. 

Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies

Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies need more oatmeal. I mean, the oatmeal is the big thing in these cream pies and there just isn't enough of it to give the pies the texture that oatmeal should have. 

There are few things like a good oatmeal cookie on a cold morning to get you going on the way to work. I often ask myself why the oat breakfast doughnut has never become a thing. These on the other hand, just not enough oats.

Subway Little Turkey Slider

Subway's Little Turkey Slider isn't supposed to come with vegetables, but if you don't get them then why are you eating at subway? 

Also, like all sliders they are too small to fill a man up. I mean, I guess these are okay for kids, but they are not okay for grown people who need more calories.  

How do they taste? Well, just fine, thanks for asking. 

Subway Little Cheesesteak Slider

Subway's Little Cheesesteak Slider is the one slider that comes with vegetables. Those vegetables would be onion and peppers which I don't care for myself. I got mine with olives and spinach. 

The sauces these come with give it a pleasant spice that makes this the best of the sliders or at least the one that stands out the most. 

However, it is still just a small sandwich that will leave you wanting more. Or, I could just be a bitter fat man who needs to shove food in his face ... or both. Both sounds right. 

Nonni's Dark Chocolate Pumpkin Biscotti

Nonni's Dark Chocolate Pumpkin Biscotti is almost without pumpkin spice. It is as if they put just enough in there to get the name and then said "to heck with it" and made regular old dark chocolate biscotti. 

Then again, why would you want pumpkin, which makes things moist, in biscotti which should be dry for dipping?

Subway Sandwiches Italian Spice Slider

Subway Sandwiches Italian Spice Slider is much like the ham and jack slider only more greasy. The Italian oil is optional so I guess they don't have to be greasy but at leas the spice makes them more of a standout than their ham and jack counterpart. 

This changes nothing about the fact that these are just too small to fill a man my size. Then again, I am a manzilla so I guess that doesn't help. In any case, small, hot, and leaves you empty. 

Subway Sandwiches Sugar Cookie

Ah, the sugar cookie, and me with no coffee. Subway has a nice and soft sugar cookie that you don't need coffee to eat. Defeats the purpose if you ask me and why would anyone fight a purpose in the first place?

Subway Sandwiches Ham and Jack Slider

Subway Sandwiches Ham and Jack Sliders are the smallest sandwich I have ever seen from subway and the fact that they do not naturally come with vegetables is upsetting. 

These are not a bad sandwich to be honest it's more that they just don't satisfy. I had four of them, and I was still hungry.  Unless you're looking to feet a small apatite these are a fail...no little person jokes please. 

Subway Sadnwitches Naturally Pit-Smoked Brisket

The Naturally Pit-Smoked Brisket at Subway is a sandwich that normally does not come with greens. You can get them, but you're not supposed to. It is a hot and expensive sandwich that tastes great with its BBQ sauce and smoked cheddar but ultimately is not worth the price tag.  

This sandwich is great for filling you up and for emptying your wallet. 

Michelob Amber Bock Dark Lager

Michelob Amber Bock Dark Lager is not a lumber jack with gender identity questions. "Is it Amber or Michelob today? What does he, er, she want to be called?" No, we don't have to put up with that from this lager. This lager is all beer and a solid strong beer at that. It's the kind of beer that doesn't blush when you call  it Amber. 

If it knew my sister it would...then if it new my sister it would be bitter like me and it's only bitter enough to be strong. This is a winter sipping beer that goes down smooth and has a lasting finish. 

Not bad. 

Devour Lasagna Alfredo with Bacon & Sausage

Devour Lasagna Alfredo with Bacon & Sausage is the kind of thing I see at the market and want to get, because I feel bad. It totaly looks nothing like lasagna out of the oven but to be honest tastes like it and that's good enough for me.

This is not to say that it's Italian lasagna. No, it's the bland American kind, but I love it just the same. It could be more meaty and bad for you but for what it is this is killer stuff.  

Cracker Barrel Extra Sharp White with Pita Chips

Cracker Barrel Extra Sharp White with Pita Chips ... sharp white what, I would like to know. I mean, what really is that stuff? I guess it's cheese spread. Anyway, the pita chips you get with this white stuff crack and you don't get enough of them to use up your white goo. 

Up side, a few of my cats like the white stuff, and so I give it to them. If you want really expensive cat food this stuff is your bag. It tastes okay, but it's just not well fit together.

The Hat Pastrami Fries

The Hat Pastrami Fries are enormous. They should be for the price tag, but I couldn't finish them. I would have like the pastrami to be just a bit more crisp to be honest but I think I'm in the minority on that one. This mountain of food should be had by two and could kill a normal man. I'm as big as two men and it set me on a crazy trip. I dreamed that I was tap dancing the "Wynona's Big Brown Beaver" by Primus after eating these.

Tony's Chocolonely Dark Milk Chocolate Pretzel

Tony's Chocolonely Dark Milk Chocolate Pretzel is a lighter than most dark chocolate. Most dark chocolate is far more bitter. I can't say these are that good. I think this is just fine. I would eat this again, but I know they have better options.

Ocean Spray Pink Lite Cranberry

Ocean Spray Pink Lite Cranberry is a beverage that has 'hair of the dog' written all over it. Look at that little can. It will fill a sifter and how well it would go with vodka. 

This is a great drink to have with that apple stuff I had yesterday because it give the bitter apple a harder crispy.  Light and refreshing, this is a great thing to add booze to and get classy drunk.

Classica Apple Premium Liquor

Classica Apple Premium Liquor is something you mix into cocktails. I have to admit that this is a little too high brow for me, and I've never used it before, so I had it over ice.

Over ice this gave me a shiver and it wasn't bad. Some would call this a "Girly" drink and it's fine for those who just want lightly flavored soda so they can stay in the party.  

All and all, this isn't going to change your life, but it's a talking point for those who have not had it, and a light drink mixed with soda or ginger ale. 

Pibb Xtra

Pibb Xtra is discount Dr. Pepper and I think it works okay. I can't say that it thrilled me, and I can't say that it wasn't good. This stuff is good enough to be thought of  as name brand.

KahlenBerg Oat Cookies With Blackcurrant and Chocolate Chips

Well, December is upon us and so there may be a fat man other than me coming to your house to take your cookies. KahlenBerg Oat Cookies With Blackcurrant and Chocolate Chips are an okay option for that fat man being crisp and milk ready. 

I have to say these are good but then they are cookies so almost all cookies are good...and I am fat and shouldn't have any more. 

La Colombe Coffee Peppermint Mocha Draft Latte

La Colombe Coffee Peppermint Mocha Draft Latteis a coffee drink for those of us who don't like too much flavor. It is very mild, goes well with vodka, and has a slightly bitter after taste. 

My big problem with it is that it is not very coffee. I mint, I like coffee and the mind thing is just in time for Christmas, but where is all the coffee flavor? It's like drinking and Andie's mint mixed with milk.

Lofthouse Delicious Cookies Swirled Frosted Pumpkin Pie Sugar Cookies

Lofthouse Delicious Cookies Swirled Frosted Pumpkin Pie Sugar Cookies have one of those names that make me want to punch someone in the face. I hate these long names really. 

As far as the cookies go they are better than most Lofthouse Swirled cookies. However, they are full of stuff I can't pronounce so they kill me so good. 

Melissa's Baby Purple Potatoes

Melissa's Baby Purple Potatoes are, um, potatoes. Hmmm,what do you say about potatoes? I mean, they come out okay and cook up well. If you can get your hands on these they are good for you. I mean, yeah, these are good little potatoes.

Fatburger Chili Cheese Fat Fries

Fatburger's Chili Cheese Fat Fries are hard to eat and flavor wise underwhelming. I mean, just looking at these things makes me hungry, but they're kind of bland. I can tell you that these things get everywhere, but I haven't tried the thin fries yet so I don't know if those are better. 

All in all, I wouldn't go getting these, because you can get a really big burger so why get these.  These are okay, but not great.

Fatburger Original

For about eight months of my life I passed a Fatburger on the way to work every day and never when in. The other day I was feeling bad and had to take time off work so I said "well, today is the day." I can't say I was all that impressed with this 1/3 pound of beef. As burgers go it was okay. I would eat it again, but I'm going to try a bigger one next time.

Monster Hydro Manic Melon

Monster Hydro Manic Melon was at the dollar store for good reason. That is that these things just got no kick to them. I mean, they don't work as well as the real deal and so drinking them may disappoint.

The Hydro label is monster watered down and if they don't come in a bigger...much bigger bottle your not getting the same thing. 

Thomas Bagels Pumpkin Spice

Thomas Bagels Pumpkin Spice are a strange disappointment. I didn't know what I was expecting but I know is wasn't these rather bland bagels. I can't taste the pumpkin spice at all and you can only really put sweet things on them or eat them plain. 

Normal bagels work just as well so only get these if they are on sale. 

M&M's White Pumpkin Pie

Pumpkin spice is a flavor of fall and so what could be better than to ad that to chocolate? Well M&M's White Pumpkin Pie  are white chocolate so they don't taste right to start with. 

Are these bad? No. Are they good? No, not really. They exist in a some people will like these and some will not and I don't like them. They would be better with milk chocolate. 

Artesano Brioche

Now Artesano has a Brioche which is a bread made with more butter and egg. I didn't know that, I looked it up because knowing that would make me a little more, um, well, never mind. 

Anyway, this is some nice soft bread. It's basically white bread. I would say it's a little nicer than white bread, but still just white bread. That means it's bad for you if you don't know. 

Bread that is good for you has less sugar and more fiber and this has almost no fiber and three grams of sugar. I have to stay clear of this, because I'm already fat as a Christmas ham.

Costco Eco Straw

Costco Eco Straw is the new thing that is going to stop killing see life. I have to point out that it changes the flavor of whatever you're drinking so it's not much of an improvement. I'm going to drink my soda out of the cup without using these straws.  

I'm for see life but, dude, get it right.

Perky Jerky Beef Stick Original

Is it me or does 'Perky Jerky' just sound wrong? I mean, 'did you see Sarah in those booty shorts last night? She just walked by, and I was all Perky Jerky.'

Anyway, the Beef Stick variety is for those who like to think they have a dong in their mouth as they kill themselves with salt.

I'm sorry to admit that I tried this, and I hated it all the way. I don't like it when I bite into jerky and it drips. 

KahlenBerg Oat Cookies with Blackcurrant

KahlenBerg Oat Cookies with Blackcurrant may just find themselves by your fire waiting for Santa. You'll do better with beer and a dirty magazine. Trust me on this one my old man was Santa. 

He won't be totally disappointed with these cookies which taste as if they were toasted and right from the oven.  

Good job, but I still want a beer. 

Tony's Chocolonely Milk Chocolate Hazelnut

Tony's Chocolonely is the kind of chocolate you eat because you don't like slavery. Yes, that is a kind of chocolate. I had no idea that chocolate was mixed with slavery but I don't like slavery and I do like chocolate. I shouldn't eat chocolate so the slavery free kind is my bag. 

Milk Chocolate Hazelnut totally kicks ass, and I have to say I could eat these all day if I cold afford them. Expensive things they are.

Dickinson's Lime Curd

Dickinson's Lime Curd tastes like the lime hard candy that an old man used to have on his coffee table when I came over to see his as a child. The flavor brings back memories. It's good stuff, if you like lime, and it makes me feel, well, old. 

Not bad, not bad at all.

Bubly Sparkling Water Blackberry Bubly

Bubly Sparkling Water Blackberry Bubly really tastes like chemically fertilized blackberries. I don't know why you would even want to flavor water like this, but here it is, and it's okay. 

This is not the best sparkling water I've had this week, but it's far from the worst. 

Chillycow Mint Dark Chocolate Chip

Chillycow Mint Dark Chocolate Chip is ice cream that gets hard in
the freezer and so is hard to eat. It's not as good as normal ice cream, but it will make you less fat...then again, if all ice cream tasted like this it would have little ability to make people fat because no one would want to eat it any more.