Fultion’s Harvest Apple Pie Cream Liquor

It’s about like their Pumpkin pie Cream Liquor. Not bad drinking but I wouldn’t buy the stuff.

Tony’s Pizza Singles

These addictive little discs of death are an easy snack. If you put them in the microwave you get a fordable plate of pizza flavored slime, but if you cook um in the oven they come out about as good as the rat trap pizza I had in college.

Now, you should generally stay away from frozen stuff like this, and Pizza is hard to make good for you, but these pizzas are fine if enjoyed in moderation.

Jones Green Apple Soda

If you ever wanted the flavor of a fresh apple but didn’t want all those healthy things like fiber and vitamins Jones Green Apple Soda is totally for you.

The flavor is crisp and fresh but far less tart than that of a green apple. I’d say it’s a finer road to diabetes then coke, but then I savored the novelty of drinking something new.

If you’re going to drink soda and this is around I’d say go for it, but remember it’s still bad for you.

Fultion’s Harvest Pumpkin Pie Cream Liquor

Well, my brother loves the stuff, but I think it’s on the bland side. If you’re going for it straight up I’d say good, but it makes a poor pumpkin pie coffee if you ask me.

Original Flavored Pringles

Their mission was to create the perfect snack chip. A snack chip without broken or stale bits in the bottom of the bag.

They failed, miserably, Pringles are superior to Lay’s Classic Potato chips in that they have ten less Calories but with no potassium to balance the sodium they’re not better for you in any real way.

I will grant that these little snack packs are nice to have and that the chips take up less space in your lunch back. Then the Lays out match the Pringles in taste by far and are far more natural.

Now, don’t confuse the point that I’d rather have a good potato which has as much sodium as I put on it and as much healthy stuff as well. Still, Lay’s Classic wins over Pringles.

Dots

Dots were officially certified Kosher back in 2009 and are gum drops made by Tootsie Roll. They’re about as bad for you as spoons of sugar, but that’s not so bad given the stuff we see in food now days.

As a candy, they are totally forgettable, and I only pull them out on Halloween by chance. If they come your way go for it, but I wouldn’t go looking for these candies.

Red Delicious Apples

Who knew that all apples have names like this? It’s a red apple, right, past that I never thought of them as having names. Golden Delicious, sure, we all remember those, but Red Delicious? Honestly, naming a kind of apple “Delicious” is a dork move if you ask me.

The Red Delicious started before the Golden Delicious so it was just the Delicious at the time. They call it a ‘clone apple’ but they’ve been around since 1880 which is longer than National Geographic Magazine.

These are good if they’re fresh but keep looking good long after they get mealy and taste like wet cardboard. The skin is more like leather than fruit peal so you may want to cut some away.

Red Delicious apples are bottom of the barrel in terms of quality, so buy few and eat soon.

Orange Crush

You look at the can and read ‘caffeine free’ and ask ‘why would you drink caffeine free soda?’ Orange Crush makes up for its lack of caffeine by adding twenty calories over Coke and twenty milligrams of additional sodium.

In other words, Orange Crush will not keep you up at night but will make you fat faster than Coke. 

In N’ Out Burger

This is a review for the restaurant not the food. I mean, the real name is “In N’ Out Burger” so far as I can tell. The place is clean, the food is fresh, and the female employees have to have white bras because those shirts are see through. You make the call if that appeals to you.

In N’ Out Burger Four by Four

Another of the secret menu options of In N’ Out the Four By Four is a four patty, four cheese slice marvel of Merican cuisine.

That stuff in between the buns is meat and cheese. I know it’s nothing like the gray jelly you get at other fast food restaurants. It’s not flavored with chemicals either, so it’s as close to the real deal as you can get.

The only thing more American would be cheating on your taxes and invading other countries.

In N’ Out Burger French Fries

These, kiddies, are French Fries, as in made from potatoes and fried in a deep fryer without being cut at a factory and frozen. You can watch as they cut the potatoes, so you know they’re real.

All other French Fries are just imitations so won’t the real French Fries please stand up, please stand up, won’t all your taste buds please step up.

From this point forward all other French Fries will be compared to those from In N’ Out Burger. 

In N’ Out Burger Chocolate Milkshake

Ah, a real chocolate shake. Not the alien blood obscenity you get at McDonald’s, but a real ice cream chocolate shake.

Yes, they are bad for you, but bad for you in the way that meeting a short thing is bad for you. These Chocolate Shakes are bar sluts for those of us who can’t get with bar sluts.

Okay, Okay, I’d rather have the bar slut, but think of it this way: Shakes won’t give you STI’s.

In N’ Out Burger ‘Animal Fries’

In N’ Out is known for having a bland official menu and secret options that make the world worth living. ‘Animal Fries’ or ‘Fries Animal Style’ is a secret menu option that I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

               

When you’re done eating them you looked like you French-kissed a sloppy hamburger. Bla!

Pepsi Cola (American)

I’m told most cola brands died out in the great cola war which was something my old man mentioned from time to time. The two primary combatants were Coke and Pepsi. How Coke came out on top I couldn’t tell you. Pepsi is the smoother and sweeter of the two colas and has always been my preference.

This is not to mention that it’s an artificial chemical stew that no person in their right mind should ever put in their body. Then, the world we live in went mad long ago, and we need to be mad as a hatter to survive.

You can still get Pepsi with good old sugar if you drink Pepsi Throw Back or Pepsi bottled in Mexico. This is marginally better for you than Pepsi’s American, made with corn syrup, counterpart. 

To put it in a nut shell: better than Coke, sill bad for you, enjoy in moderation.

Trader Joe’s Marinated Mushrooms with Garlic

If I didn’t love mushrooms I wouldn’t eat these things. They have more than three times the salt to the Potassium and frankly are reasonably unhealthy. Calorically you can eat lots of them because they are only ten calories per two ounce serving.

I think I use less than two ounces in my salads because these little things have a strong flavor. They taste like vinegar and garlic, but then mushrooms really taste like almost nothing so what do you expect?

On the up side, if I’m eating these I’m eating salad which means I may trick myself into thinking I’m having something good for me. The lesson of the day kids is read the label and use moderate amounts. 

BJ’s Spinach stuffed Mushrooms

Let me first say that I love mushrooms. That makes complaining about these rather hard. I also didn’t pay for them which makes knowing what you get for the price rather hard. So, let me say that I don’t recall any spinach in the six little mushrooms you get.

Other than that I could eat these all day. Oops, I was done with them in less than sixty seconds. 

BJ’s Gourmet Five Meat Pizza

This particular heart attack on a plate had meat balls (don’t all men have meat balls too. I mean they should say what kind of meat balls if you ask me) pepperoni, oven baked ham, salami, Italian sausage, and parmesan cheese. It’s just a bit short of them slapping a dead pig on your pizza and serving it up.

To be honest, I still proffer a good old pepperoni from Costco, but you can’t get blasted at Costco which is why my brother goes to BJ’s. With BJ’s it’s all in the beer.

BJ’s Peanut butter S’more Pizzokie

Pizzokie, I still haven’t gotten over that word. I mean, Pizzokie, it sounds like the nick name for a water cannon that shoots lemonade at a mettle concert.

Other than the ice cream being two big blocks of ice this was really good.  After splitting one of these with my brother he asked me to drive him to the drug store to by some diabetic health shakes. Well, sweet, sweet death, wrap me in thine arms.

Buffalo Wild Wings Popcorn Shrimp

Served with French fries as dry as the bones of the Paris Catacombs Buffalo Wild Wings Signature Popcorn Garlic Shrimp were so bad I had my brother finish them for me. He’ll eat anything.

Half way through eating them I started feeling sick. Further, they are made from what appear to be shrimp-ish things. They taste like shrimp but have no tail or shell. I think what they are must be shrimp bits ground and re-sculpted into smaller shrimp.

You can get the same thing at Smart and Final for way less and skip the crunching bones of long dead potato monsters. 

Buffalo Wild Wings Roasted Garlic Mushrooms

Buffalo Wild Wings Roasted Garlic Mushrooms

The best part of my meal at Buffalo Wild Wings, that’s not saying much, Roasted Garlic Mushrooms were breaded. This makes me want to ask how they can be roasted if they’re breaded. I mean, why not call them Breaded Garlic Mushrooms?

Still, they were crispy on the outside and moist on the inside. They were nothing like the other food there that gave me indigestion.

Buffalo Wild Wings ‘Dessert Nachos’

Buffalo Wild Wings ‘Dessert Nachos’

Those things that look like doughnut holes are deep fried cheese cake snot things, and there is way too little chip to call this nachos.

Other than that, this is okay. Not great but okay. The ice-cream will loosen your constipation that you got from eating all the other stuff at this place.  

Buffalo Wild Wings Bar and Grill (City of Industry)

So, my brother decided he wanted me to take him to this place for his birthday. As he has never been a fan of crowds or American Football I was surprised. The place is like Hooters without the hooters. So it’s kind of like having game night with the boys, but the wife isn’t manning the kitchen.

I can’t complain about the low lighting or load TV, because those things come with a wing joint. The fact that a hot girl sat us then some dude served was a disappointment.

Then the service was so bad that another server came and asked us if we had been helped. I got one refill on my soda and was forced to sulk in silence as none could rightly carry a conversation in a place like this grill.

Take my advice, kids, make your hot wings in the microwave and save yourself some time.

Baileys Original Irish Cream

Baileys hasn’t been around that long. In fact, it was first marketed in 1974. I believe I first drank it in two thousand ten or there abouts. I recall spending some time at a fellow’s house who had been put into mandatory retirement from IBM, and, being well to do, he drank the good stuff to celebrate/lament his joblessness.  I tried Baileys for the first time strait, warm, and in sad company.

Under these bad conditions the drink still made an impression, and I suggested it to my brother who, loving his spirits, eventually tried some and fell in love.

On the rocks, Baileys has a smooth sipping flavor that gets a bit overwhelming if you gulp. With coffee add less sugar than if you’re drinking coffee with cream. The fat in the Baileys will bind to the caffeine and make your high last longer. The cream fat will also make the alcohol last longer.

I should point out that caffeine and alcohol are bad together, and if you intent to get blasted this is not for you. Get blasted with crap and you will feel like crap. Get blasted with the good stuff and you will likely die.

Baileys: yes, drinking like a mentally deficient high-school-er: no.

Rainbo Restaurant Style Deli Rye Bread

It’s a savory bread of medium hardness with a slightly sour flavor.  I wouldn’t call it good for you, but at one hundred calories per slice it’s okay for its size. Leave it on the counter, and it will grow hair in a week or two. If you’d rather not have a fungus farm growing in your kitchen I suggest keeping this stuff in your refrigerator.

For best flavor grill or toast it, because there just isn’t enough rye to make this bread strong. The hint of dill weed is a nice touch, yes there is such a thing a dill weed, but it’s mild at best.

I bet most of you thought dill weed was something Beavis and Butt Head went around saying. Dill is an herb known to help you pass gas. So when someone calls you dill weed now you know what it means.

Actually, I think dill weed is just the leaves and the seeds are called dill. I think it’s the seeds in the bread or something like that, but I’m not going to rewrite this because it’s not worth my time.

Calories	100	Sodium	150 mg
Total Fat	1 g	Potassium	0 mg
Saturated	0 g	Total Carbs	19 g
Polyunsaturated	0 g	Dietary Fiber	1 g
Monounsaturated	0 g	Sugars	1 g
Trans	0 g	Protein	3 g
Cholesterol	0 mg
Vitamin A	0%	Calcium	0%
Vitamin C	0%	Iron	0

Coca Cola (American)

It’s said that before Coca Cola Santa Claus was a gaunt and brooding figure. Then Coke came along, and he turned into a jolly fat man.

Given how Coke made me into a fat man I think it’s safe to say this is a reasonable representation of the product.  Further, American Coke is harder on your liver because of the use of high fructose corn syrup.

This addictive death juice will never tell your body that you’re done, because fructose almost never comes about in nature without sucrose. We humans have evolved to key off sucrose to tell us to stop eating.

I’d say ‘drink water’ but then drinking water is often dangerous. Drink clean water whenever you can, and stay clear of Coke and other soft drinks most of the time.

Coke is the standard for which all soda pop can be judged, and my judgment is to enjoy in moderation else you look like me. I, by the way, look like Santa.

Now, I need to get me some Ho, ho, ho’s. 

Lay’s Classic Potato Chips

In the world of potato chips Lay’s are about as classic as one can get. With twice the Potassium as Sodium they are surprisingly healthy compared to other junk foods. There vitamin content is reasonable, and they taste great. It’s like eating little wafers of salty sunshine.

They are high in calories and saturated fat, so they should still be eaten moderately. Further, the fact that you get grease on your hands is a big downer. 

Still, Lay’s Classic Potato Chips are the standard I will 

hold all potato chips to in the future.

Denny’s Chicken Fried Steak

What should we do with this crappy piece of meat that no one wants? Let’s deep fry it and make it wonderful!

Yeah, it’s a great idea but a poor execution. The meat is stringy and the breading wasn’t crisp making this only a passable meal. Top that off with the fact that it's all protein and carbohydrates, and you have something that is hardly worth eating.  If it’s bad for you at least it should taste great.

Then, it didn’t help that I was waiting to have a meeting with my boss and could have been canned so my gut was a bit tight. However, this food didn’t make me feel better. Frankly, it just sat in my stomach laughing at me for paying so much for something so half butt.

First Street Thirst Puncher Lemonade

First Street Thirst Puncher Lemonade -tastes like someone tried to make lemonade in a laboratory without any lemons.

Land O’ Lakes Mini Moo’s

These are the standard for coffee creamer being made of real half and half. I’ll grant that nothing beats a real carton of fresh half and half to lighten your coffee, but Mini Moo’s have the advantage of not needing to be refrigerated and being measured out for you.

The alternative being funny powdered crap that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy or synthetic coffee creamers that you can use as kindling. Go natural on this one.

Equal Exchange Fairly Traded Organic Cane Sugar

If you’re one of those folks who runs around using fancy sugar this will be a big one on your list, because it’s both fancy and tree hugger friendly. To me it’s just sugar, but I buy it to help the equal exchange cause.

Sugar doesn’t taste any better to me if it’s funny unless I use way more of it than I should. Buying this sugar is good for the soul not the body or pocket book.

Then, I’ve spent a lifetime dealing with crappy employers and that may make me jaded on the subject.